I am very un-chill; I take things the wrong way, I leave social gatherings analyzing everything I’ve done and said, I’m argumentative (mostly when it comes to politics) and I care about what other people think (yes, something I really need to work on); I am basically the antithesis of chill. But if I’m being honest, this is only something that I am beginning to come to terms with as I grow into myself as an adult. I, like many people, learned from a pretty young age that being associated with anything that is ‘un-chill’ was never good. It meant you weren’t cool, easy-going, or fun to be around, and as I grew through high school and eventually into university, the fear of being un-chill rooted itself in me—I did everything I could to not be associated with those negative qualities, existing between two realities painfully lukewarm.
It wasn’t until I graduated from school and naturally drifted from a lot of acquaintances and friends, that I realized I had a very skewed perception of myself. I had squashed these qualities in myself that I considered bad for something that was much more palatable, less ‘crazy’, less dramatic, and definitely emotionally stifled. Perhaps the real tragedy in my quest for chill was that I was never really fooling anybody; all of those stifled emotions burbled at the surface. Trying to be chill was a waste of time because I was never really able to sell the label to myself or anyone around me. I grew into womanhood suppressing the messiest, best parts of growing up and becoming myself.
The more I think about it, the more it saddens me that the apathetic, unbothered woman is what’s valued. I know it’s just not me who has strived for the highly coveted title of ‘chill girl’. All we can do now is learn how to relish in our emotions, learn that it’s ok to be sensitive, to give a fuck. Since coming to this realization, I feel like I’ve been reacquainted with all the parts of me that I always felt were undesirable and unappealing and it’s kind of the best. That said, it’s still a work in progress. I could go on and on about this, but I’ll leave it here! I hope this has been a useful perspective for someone who might be going through something similar. Good luck! x
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